Why are we like this?

What is this feeling of hollowness?... I kind of feel sick... like I'm losing the hope in humanes. I just finished watching an movie... I propably shouldn't have watched... Battle Royale 1 (R)... So screwed... How can anybody come up with an script for such a hideous a movie?... It's horrible what a person is willing to do to their belowed friends just to spare their own lifes... Humanes really are the worst, a bunch of filth on the Earths´ surface... Why do we even exist? This kind of dominant, horrible, selfish things, with twisted minds that only prevails and hurts´ others... A rotten specie... that is what we humanes are... Unfortunately there's nothing we can do about it... We put ourselfs´abowe other animals and think that we're better than them.. But is that really true? No other animals kill eacother for fun or for something they "believe" in... Isn't that too something that humanes have created that is bad... something to believe in.. fuzakena... There is no God, that's what I "believe"... No way in hell that some kind of living (or what you call Gods existing) thing would've been able to create a planet where some "animals" as we call them, could live in... I mean, "God created the Earth in seven days".. useru.. man.. as if anything like that'd ever happen. That movie really made me feel uncomfortable... it brought up many negative thoughts and memories... Even with these thoughts I'd never be able to kill anyone...
Some memories that suddenly came to my mind... I don't know why... Propably because it really pisses me off to think about them... Maybe I'll tell you... Okay.. the first one that came into my mind was this one time when I was younger.., I had stayed up late into the night working on this drawing to make it look perfect for the person I was going to give it to. She was an important friend who was to move away in a short period of time. So when I gave it to her she smiled in a smirk kind of way and said "What a nice outline" oh I got so mad... hehe... believe me or not, I can get mad... Even if Chan-chan says that it's not possible for me ^^'' , the second negative memory that came up into my mind... was made by the same person as the first one.. This time she showed me some drawings that she'd made and of course I'd say "wow" and "how pretty", when she'd showed me them all she came up with such a nasty comment like "I bet you wish that you were as good at drawing as I am" that totally pissed me off, so I replied "No I don't, I perfer my way of drawing"... The fact that she didn't even notise me being angry made me even more pissed off. Selfish... I hate selfish people... Or maybe not hate.. too troublesome... Why is it so tiring to hate something?.. I've tried to hate many persons´, but it's just impossible... I can never hold a grudge for too long, because it's so tiring... When you hate someone, you just end up hurting yourself, isn't that right?.. So complicated...
I wonder.. Maybe I should go and get some rest and clear my head... It's too filled with rubbish right now... Got'ta be positive... That's my goal for tomorrow... Ja Mata Ne.

Just unnecessary thoughts

It's the last day of January.. huh... Man the time has passed by so quickly, hasn't it? It's hard to imagine that it's already a month since the year changed... 2009... I'll make this the best year ever... or at least try... It's strange how I feel as if my life'd just begun... Like I've been living for a month... Weird but true. Heh... I came to think about the comment Lisa-chan wrote to the Dead long post... It is true that I'll propably be regarded as a delinquent in Japan... Mostly because of the number of piercings I have in my ears... Somehow the thought makes me... happy?... Being an delinquent would be so much easier... or propably not. Well I'll "hopefully" find out soon.
I'm sure that many hardships still lie ahead my way, but I'll make it... This was a thought that suddenly hit me.. without any specific reason. Oh no. I just realized that I'm watching the last episode of the WHOLE Gokusen series... the compeletly last episode... How depressing... I'll miss Yankumi and her handsome students... Well I'll find new Tv series to watch.
Saa... Later´

Good food with excellent company.

Today was incredibly fun. I wasn't in school, as you who've read my last post know. The timetaking wasn't really an dream job and to deliver out the prizes was just annoying... Those kids were all high and mighty just because they won something, they didn't even thank properly... So disrespectful... Makes me mad... These kids nowdays... -.-
Ehm. yes. Well. After that we went to the chinese restaurant to eat, it was honestly the most fun lunch I've ever been on. We ate, talked and had generally fun ^.^ (we were 6 persons, Puh-san, Muscleman-san and Crioo-san, besides of me, Chan-chan and Lisa-chan). The day went by so fast... I didn't even notise it at all... haaa... Sattee... Now I'll try to pursuate my mum to a thing... I'll tell you later. Bye.

Delinquent. - "Dead long post"

The more I watch Gokusen... The more I get the feeling of... emptiness?... It feels as if I've never lived like an teenager should... I mean... I've never defied a teacher (or anyone else), I've never cut class with my friends... And I've never thought that anything else than my grades are important... (NB -hobbies etc.). You know the saying "you learn from your mistakes"... Well.. I have never made any mistakes to learn anything from... I have never had the chance to... Today my Mother said something to me that filled my head with all these complicated thoughts... She said "You're mature enough to be called an adult when you do what you need to do, and not what you think is fun to do"... Then have I been an adult for almost my whole life? Instead of doing what I think is fun, I've always done the things I've thought would be good for my future... In other words, studied. I've never really known the reason why I want to go to Japan that desperatily... But I think that I have finally started to find the cause of all these dreams and hopes.. It's simply because I wish to be able to live as a teenager for at least one year in my life.. Maybe make some mistakes? or get into a fist fight?!... My god, How deep ~.~'' Anyways who cares about this kind of shit... Hmm.. Something worth reading... Oh yeah. I watched some short "Japanese high school sports war" videos on youtube... Somehow I feel happy that I'm not a guy born in Japan... That's some rough stuff.. man... A event held by the school with "sports" competitions between the classes... It's more like a battle field where you're allowed to do anything to your opponents... "win by any means"... At least in the events called "kibasen" and "Knock over the other teams pole" (or something like that). Seriously that's litterally anything... Hitting, kicking and stuff like that... just to get a damn hat or flag.. I could never hit a school-mate just to win a stupid event... Creepy... What if I'm forced to participate in the event when I'm there? o.o Somehow it gives me the shivers to think about it... Yeah...
By the way, tomorrow I won't be going to school, because of a swimming competition where I, Chan-chan and Lisa-chan (though we're not the only ones) will work as timekeepers and prize-deliverers. In salary we'll get a free lunch at a chinese restaurant downtown. Honestly... I wouldn't have agreed to this othervise, but I see it as a good chance to raise my P.E grades^.^'' wow... my life really circulates around my grades... Or maybe I should say... School and education is my life... without those two I wouldn't have anything... Not even friends (I've met everyone at school)... ehehehee... this sucks.. Oh.. I forgot to tell you. I made a new piercing on my left ear on Friday... Otherwise it would've looked too weird... Now I'll just have to get an piercing done in the upper part of my right ear, then I'll be satisfied. Now I'll continue watching Gokusen.. Jaaaa-ne'

Pressure.

That's the title of the chapter we'll have an English test on today... And pressure sure is what that test brings. I've acctually tried to study to the test... Thist time I really did it... But I don't know if it'll be enough. Because some of the words in the part "jinxed basketball game" are just too weird... I hope I'll make it through with somewhat good grades... ehehee... Maybe I'll score the same amount of points as Lisa-chan ^.^ (no matter what that will always happen -.-''). We even got the same number of points in the upper secondary school application point system (the points we'll apply for a upper secondary school with)... Come to think of it... I'll have to apply for an school today... But I only have a first choice (I need three of them -.-)... Yabai.
Our English teacher has been absent due to illnes pretty much lately... I really hope that she's alright. It'd be horrible to lose our favourite teacher.. again...
Well I didn't have anything special in mind for this morning post... So I'll go and study for now. Keep up the hard work guys. Jaa-ne'

Koi

I've been wondering about this thing... What is love? I know that it's supposed to be a strong feeling... But what kind of feeling? "When your heart beats so hard that it's the only thing you can hear, your breaths become short and heavy. Sometimes you even feel dizzy"... This is how many people describe love... No matter how I look at it... It's like a descripton of a panic attack... Or a phobia... If this is what happenes when you fall in love.. Then I've felt all these things.. Except from one... I've never had a person to connect these feelings to. I suffer from a lighter form of claustrophobia... And these are the exact sympthons that appears when I'm supposed to attend a smaller space (like an elevator)... So love is like claustrophobia? If that's the case then I really don't want to fall in love... zettaini...
How do you experience love? Is it a burden or a blessing..? What do you think? Is it all worth it?..
I wonder... do you think that everybody has a soulmate... like a perfect match...? Someone you never get tired of... someone you love no matter what happenes? If it's true... If some one like that really exicts, then I hope to meet mine.. Well... you never know... right... Janna'

KAT-TUN

Hello! To begin with I want to apologise about the sudden ending in the last post, the internet shut down so I couldn't continue on it. Aww... I have my left index finger wrapped in a plaster, wich makes it incredibly hard to write (I can't curve the top of my finger at all). When you read the title you propably wonder what Kat-tun is, well for you who don't know, it's an incredibly good band... Especially the song named "Lips"... It just blew me away... I love the melody and the... should I say.. passion(?) in the words... You should listen to it, the whole song. Seriously, give it a chance... Of course, the guys´ who sing, doesn't look too bad either ^-^ so... hot. Ehehee... The two lead singers´play the two main parts in Gokusen II... They're very good actors too, ya' know. Maybe I'll post pictures of them later? Who knows. Now I'll continue watching my belover J-Dramas. Matane.

As you can see in the last post, the pictures were not in the right places. Both of the guys with the school uniforms´ should've been on the right side. well that's that... Yesterday I got a phone call from a woman. Firstly I thought that it was someone who'd dialed the wrong number but when I answered the phone, it was a lady from the Explorius organisation. She told me that I had been accepted to the exchange programme... I still can't believe it... What a shock.. I've been a bit lost in my thoughts for the whole day... I mean.. Okay this is so lame.. But I'll still tell you.. when we had hung up the phone, I couldn't talk... And I acctually got so happy that I started to cry... I was like weeping openly with a really ugly face... This was the first time that I'd ever cried out of joy and not frustration... I've never been as happy as I was then... Mum' tried to get it out of me (the information), but I just couldn't talk... All I could do was these weird blubbering sounds -.-'' That was so embarrasing... So I'll be going to Japan in the beginning of August... That is if a family wants to have me there... I really hope that'll happen. WISH ME LUCK! ^-^

By the way, I also found out yesterday that I'd have to make an introduction film to the familys in Germany.. about myself... What a pain... I'm no good with that kind of stuff... Maybe I should ask my friends for help? It's incredibly relieving how you can depend on them, no matter what, they'll always help out. ^.^

Mada Mada dane...

This morning started of as bad as a day can. I overslept -.- My first time... Thanks´to my friend who phoned to ask me where I was, I still made it to the bus that runs an hour later than the one I'm supposed to ride (Thanks´Lisa-chan). After that, my day just started getting worse. I even succeeded to cut myself with a knife... I never cut myself with anything... I'm not that clumsy... I.. never... Anyways... This was a bad day for me... really bad... Well yeah.
I've fallen in love... So in love.... As if -.-'' What I really mean is, that I've found a nice actor... or no wait... I've found two nice actors, they're both good at acting and most of all incredibly cute.. and of course hot ^^ Their names are Narimiya Hiroki and Haruma Miura... A boyfriend like them wouldn't be too bad... The funny thing with these two are that they've both acted in the same tv serie GOKUSEN!, only in different seasons, Hiroki in season 1 and Miura in 3.

Here are some pictures of them.

Haruma Miura on the top and Narimiya Hiroki on the bottom.

The pictures on the right are both from my favourite serie Gokusen!

ehehee *daydreaming... Yeah... This propably is the main reason why I've never been in love with anyone... I just can't find those ugly, uncool jerks who call themself "men" a bit attractive... Okay.. That may have been too rough... Maybe I should put it this way. I don't like immature guys without any kind of sense of cuteness nor style... Our society mostly consists of these kind of guys... So depressing''-~-

Oh I found a even nicer picture if Miura...

Here you go.

He doesn't look as as beaten in this one XD

Satte... Lets' see how the pictures will end up looking when I publish this post..

Janna''

New style? Not really.

Today I went to the hairdresser to get my hair dyed and cut. It doesn't look as good as I'd wished for. But I guess I'll just put up with it... I also dyed my eyebrowns... They're okay... It's much nicer to have eyebrowns that stand out a bit... Not from the norm, but the face. Because I've got blond body hair, my eyebrowns were also blond and hard to separate out of the face..
I had a reason to write... But I can't remember what the reason was... Annoying.
Just to lighten up my own mind I'll try to introduce myself to you in Japanese...
Hajimemashite, Hayahi Shizuka desu. Suweedenjin desu. Dozo yourshiku. Okay... I've got to admit... I still suck at this -.-
I don't have anything to write about right now... So maybe I'll write something later on the evening. Seeya'

Oh God not you again!

I bet that's what you're thinking right now... This is like the third post I've written today... Or wait... Haha! It's not "today" anymore... Yeah I know... Drastic mood swings... And no it's not "that" time of the month... It's rather strange, when that time comes, I don't get moody or easily irritated... I acctually become more composed... Strange -.- I can't sleep... that's the reason for my late night blog post...
I was thinking about this one thing... Does people deserve second chances? What do you think? I mean... If someone's done something really awful against you, then does that person deserve to be forgiven?... Who knows?... hmm.. It propably depend on the fact how well the person learns from their mistakes.. right?...
Now I'll change the subject again... One thing that's been bothering me ever since the interview... AnnBritt told me that if I get accepted to Japan and move there, I'll propably be treated as a celebrity because of the difference between me and the other Japanese girls... I have blond hair, grey eyes, I'm taller and... bigger... that's what have been bothering me... the word: bigger... Because of this, I've totally lost my apetite... I've lost about two kilos since Friday -.- I don't want to be bigger!! It'd be horrible to go shopping with the friends there... Imagine... When you're buying clothes the other's looking for size S when you're size M or L... I wouldn't be able to stand it... Now I'll go and sleep because of my early wake up in the morning (5.am - I need to study) G'night.

Just thoughts.

I can't take this anymore... It feels as if my head's about to explode... Too many thoughts conserning too many different things... I just feel like giving up on everything, It'd be so much easier... Tomorrow we have two tests, in English and Religion. But somehow I just can't find any reasons to study... My fall term grades sucked, wich lowered my chances to get to Japan... Even though AnnBritt told me that she'd recommend me to the "headquarters" I just can't seem to be able to shake the fear off my mind... I'll propably never reach my dreams... commit suicide... It's something I'd never be able to do... But... To give up all my hopes... Isn't that exactly commiting suicide? Not physically but mentally?

It's all just too real... I'm waiting for the opportunity to finally begin the living of my life... But for some reason it's just not coming... Maybe it'll never come? Saa dou kana?

Nothing and everything is right.

Now my life has became really confusing. Too strange.. "I don't know you. You don't know me." This is what a friend of mine told me... She's right. Even though we've spent almost six years together, we don't know anything about eacothers lifes nor real feelings... Why must life be this complicated? Why can't it be just like in the dramas with a happy ending for everyone? *sigh... Maybe I should stop watching these dramas, so that I won't get too much false hopes...
For the first time I'm about to write something I really think... so read carefully... Everything is like a game... Isn't it? A game of survival. When you smile, everyone gets happy and pumped up by your energy. When you're sad, everyone becomes angry and moody. Wich one do you think is better? Not so hard to guess... Right? If you play the game right, your life will pass by much more smoothly without any complications. If you do it wrong, you'll just end up with a lot of crap. That's what I think... Do you think so?.. What are your true feelings? Are you lonley? Can you trust anyone? Can you trust me...? This superficial friendship... Is it really okay? Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't... Do you know? I'm sorry for not being able to be the perfect friend that everyone longes for... But I'll still keep on trying... Until the end ^-^ Ya'll' just remember not to ever give up! Even if you want to, don't ever do it! -chiao.

Hayashi Shizuka - desu.

That's my "name". I've just finished watching Gokusen - a Japanese drama serie, far beyond the others I've ever seen. This is definitly the best one. Such an happy ending... Unlike my life, it's interesting, fun and filled with good looking guys... It'd be so nice if my life was like that too... Who knows, maybe someday it'll be? "Who knows..." It's getting tiring to never know what the future will look like. Everything is "If. Maybe? Who knows? Perhaps? Will I?"... It's hard... But ya' know, gotta' keep moving ^-^ Wonder how everyones lifes will turn out to be? Maybe someone will move to USA or Canada? Or... Maybe one of my friends will turn into a celebrity? Haa... It's really hard to try imagine what the future will bring you, isn't it? ^^ In the end I just hope that everybody will be happy. Well.. I guess I'll start the search for a new J-drama to watch. Good night.

Traveling forvards the future.

Good evening my dear friends. Today was a very unusual day... So different from the usual.
I had guests from Japan, Australia and Över kalix. This was the three persons who interviewd me. In the beginning I was so nervous, there's no words to describe it... And it didn't help a bit that mum' wasn't home when they arrived... So horribly nervous. But after a while I was able to relax and talk to them freely. AnnBritt was the womans name who actually interviewd me, Mai was the name of the Japanese girl (from Tokyo) and "Cat" (I think her real name was Cynthia or Synthia, dunno' how to spell it) she was from Australia. Gosh, Mai was SO cute ^-^ She actually talked pretty good English and she had this portable *English to Japanese* translator mini computer... It was cool :) We talked and I got much good information about Japan from both AnnBritt and Mai...
Mai gave me some incredible origami sculptures that she'd made. I also recieved a pair of Hashi (chopsticks) and a Japanese hundred yen coin. So cool *v* ... There was just one little change in the plans... If I get accepted to the programme, I'll move to Japan in the beginning of August... Year 2009 ^-^'' Let's hope for the best, shall we?
Ah... By the way... I got accepted for the "One week in Germany" exchange programme. I'll travel there the 19.th of April... Even though I should be happy... I just can't... It hurt too much... The look on Barbie-chans face when she saw that she wasn't on the list of those who got choosen...I can't get it off my mind #-# She wanted this so bad... She even tried to act as if nothing was wrong when she congratulated me... It hurt so much... Pushing herself to the limit just to make others think that everything's allright... I've became more and more concerned about my friends... Everyone doesn't feel as good as you may think... As a matter of fact, almost nobody does. This sucks. I'll travel to Germany with a group of people that I don't even know... Okay that's not bad... But the fact that the group included some very unpleasant people who I don't really like, was a bit bad... What the heck am I whinig for? I got what I wanted and that's it. I diserved it.. That's what mum' keeps telling me... But still it feels so bad.. I've been thinking a bit... Maybe I should try learn some German before April?... Well.. yeah.. I'll be heading off now. Matane.

The Continuation.

Hi. Now I'm going to explain the dream for you. The "Me snappin pictures"- I hate to be photographed, so when we found out that I need a picture for Friday it all became hectic, I had to take dussins of pictures of myself and to get a good one took me many~ hours. In April I'm going to stay at my cousins place for a few days (because of the An Café concert), her parents are a bit old fashioned and somehow I can't help but to get the expression that they don't like me... The reason is simply because I'm a too "flashy" and "un-normal" person (they think that I'm putting evil thoughts in their daughters head -.-'')... My cousins mother really believe in God and stuff like that and her father is pretty short-tempered... Yeah.. So then the carate level up. We're going to have one soon and I don't feel like I'm doing that well... I really need to improve. Hmm... Then the traveling. Right now that's all I can think about... Soon we'll find out who'll be the lucky ones to be chosen to the "One weeks exchange in Germany" and it's only two days to my interview. Besides of that I just recieved a form to fill from the Yfu exchange company (it was a piece of cake compared to the Explorius form) and soon I'll get an interview date from there too, only this one will not be at home, I'll have to travel to Luleå for it. I hope that Lisa-chan and Chan-chan will be able to accompany me... Maybe we could go shopping... It'd be incredibly fun and I propably wouldn't feel so nervous if I was with them... It sure is nice to have friends like that. Yeah...
Today is the last day of my "Candy vow"... Oh, how fast the time has passed... It's already been a year since I last ate candy (my birthday doesn't count)... such a long time... Yes.. I'll get the money too... Nice...
*Yawn. This morning was horrible. It was so hard to wake up... ehehee... I don't think that anyone notised... but I was acctually sleeping almost through the whole first lesson ^-^''
When I came home I cleaned up the place and baked a sponge cake with chocolate and vanilla flavour, I hope the guests will like it. Gackt, Vanilla... The song is soo good ^.^ Lisa-chan doesn't like it... She thinks it's too perverted... That's true... but still.. I like the melody and Gackt´s voice -^.^- I think I'll go and calculate some mathemathics... It's strange how it kind of makes me feel relaxed to do that.. I've just started on a new chapter with the name "Squares & The Square-root" (I think) It's so much fun! Well yeah...
It's nice to see that even more of my friends are getting blogs... It's much easier to find out what they're thinking about, especially the ones who doesn't like to talk about their thoughts nor feelings... That's about everything I had to come up with for this time. Wish me luck! ehehee... I'm getting tired to write that every time... Hei-hei~

No time.

Time for a little uppdate. I don't have much time so I'll make this short. The weekend's been all hectic, I've been cleaning like a maniac while trying to get hold of a nice looking picture of myself. Last night I even had a nightmare that contained these things: A carate level up, my cousins angry father and preaching mother (dunno' why), I trying to snap a good picture of myself and traveling. These things may not seem to make any sense, but they all do in one way or another. Maybe I'll tell you later. Now I've to go and eat something. I have practise tonight so I'll be staying at my brothers place. Oh yeah. I almost forgot... Wish me luck. So then, Bye.

Complicated ¤.¤

Earlier this day I recieved a envelope that contained application papers with many questions... I thought I was going to die when I read through the papers... There was questions like "What do you think you can contribute with to the host family, school and society" and "What are your expectations of the host school". These questions may not seem so hard to answer, but believe me, it's incredibly difficult. I mean, what can I contribute with? A lot of things that are hard to write down on a paper -.-'' I got suicidal while trying to answer them... Soo hard. But I managed. And here I am... Strange it feels as if I've forgotten something... Oh!.. Now I remember.
Today everyone in our class recieved an application letter to fill... The application if for a one weeks´ free placement in a host family in Germany (the school stands for the prises). Of course it's not a vacation, it's more of a cooperation experiment between four different countries, and we're the guinea pigs. Only ten people get the chance to go there, so I better start filling the form, with some overly intelligent stuff... I hope I get the chance to go there to... It'd be an amazing expirience.
Today mum' bought me a bed. It's really pretty and old... Antique I think. Dad' will bring it home tomorrow... Ahh.. how nice. No more sleeping on a 5.cm "thick" madrasse... Well this was all I had for this time... Now I've got to go and take some pictures of myself, I've to give them to AnnBritt (that's the ladys name who will come on Friday) so that she can send them to Japan if I happen to get selected for the programme. Wish me luck!.. From here on, I'll write this in the end of every post, (until Friday at least). Bye.

Mixed feelings.~-~

Yaaah... uaaaw... gaaah! Adrenaline kick. My whole body's shaking. I can't stand this. It's awsome! Earlier this evening I got a call from explorius, a exchange organisation I'd sent my application to. A woman asked me if she and a Japanese exchange student could come over and visit our place to take my interview, Friday 16:th 3.pm. This is so great... I can't pull my thoughts together... geee... soo comfusing... I'm happy but frightened.. The day my future will be determed... It really is coming... soon...

Back to school, back to life.

Today was the first day of school for this year. It's as if my life had been *played* on again. It felt incredibly comfortable to be back there. To have all those familiar faces around you and to hear everyones voices again, I can't describe the feeling of relief that these things brought me. I didn't have one single worried thought concerning my future on the whole time I was there. It's amazing that just being around those people provides you with souch an secured feeling ^-^ Besides, I don't have to worry at all anymore. As you can see in the post´s (before the last one) comments, my friend's got the whole future planned out for me. ^~^It sure feels good to have souch a nice group of friends... Even if we are totally different. As a matter of fact, I just talked about this with Lisa-chan today. It's pretty funny when I think of it, Chan-chan's like a total opposite to me, she loves horses and is very talkative, she's going to study at a nature-utilitarian upper secondary school (I'm not sure what the school type is called in English, so you have to be satisfied with this). Lisa-chan's incredibly gifted at aestethic stuff and she loves music... You could say that she's a very determined person, if she sets her mind to it she can do about anything. Then there's Lin-chan, she's a very quiet person at first, but when you learn to know her, there's no limit to the talk :) . And finally, Barbie-chan who is a horse lover (acctually owns two), she's also very tall and according to me has a "Barbie" mobile (that's the reason for the nickname). These are the four persons I share my joys and sorrows with...
Right now I'm arguing with my mom'. She thinks´that I should continue jig´ging with my father, even though I'm fet up with that kind of crap... She just can't seem to get the fact that I don't enjoy it anymore, I haven't done it in ages. Well, I don't really care. Now I think I'm going to go eating... That is if there's anything to eat... Sayounara.

Lost in the maze of thoughts.

I can't stand this anymore. No matter what I do, I can't stop thinking about how big the possibility that I won't be selected to the exchange programme is. Last year only seven persones got the chance to experience souch a wonder... Then there's this thing with the IB-programme, only the best people get in... What will I do if I'm not one of them? Because of these thoughts, I've been glooming around the whole day... It's like I'm starting to lose my hope... Yes I know, this is almost exactly the same things as I wrote in my last post, but I just can't get my mind off it...
Tonight after I finish with practise, I'll sleep over at my brothers place... It really is hard to imagine a life without him, now that he's decided on moving to the other side of Sweden... It's generally impossible for me to visualize how my life will be after I've moved away, without my present friends and family around... So sad... So sad... Well it's not like I won't keep in touch with them, it's just that we won't see eachother at regular bases anymore. So mournful...
Wonder how our lifes will turn out to be..?
How does the future look like... I hope it's bright...

Promise.

So... It's year 2009... Feels as if my life have just begun... What have I been doing these fifteen years?
The New Years Eve was incredibly fun. This was the first time ever that I had felt at ease with that many unknown people^-^
We sang, played games and had generally fun. When the clock struck 12, we toasted with Pommac (a soda drink that doesn't taste good). Before that we told our New Years Promises, I didn't make a serious one... At least I didn't tell about it to the others... I told them that I'd definitly make it into the IB-policy... But the promise I made for myself was *to work as hard as I can to secure my future and make my dreams come true.* Lame... I know, but at least it's a promise that I'll somewhat be able to keep.
Yesterday I sent my applications to Yfu and Explorius. Wonder how the outcome of this will look like...? If I don't get accepted to the exchange programme it'll be a great dissapointment. But life will eventually go on... Still, I hope for the best.
I've began to get confused. What will I do if I don't get into the IB policy? And how will I make through the dissapointment if I don't get accepted to the year in Japan? These two questions have been bothering me for quite a while now. I don't have any other plans or dreams for my future than them... I mean... What will I do? I want to become an English teacher, but it'll be too hard in a normal policy. I want to experience the daily life of a normal Japanese high schooler... Okay.. I'll never be able to experience it to the full leight... I have blonde hair, blue eyes and can't speak the language... but still... Will anything of this ever happen? Gah. I've got to pull myself together.
No regrets... That's my motto... I think. If you don't try you'll never find out...
In the future, maybe I can get a education that'll allow me to travel a lot, or I'll just move to Japan and start a fully new life without any obstacles. Maybe I could make a successful career there? Who knows. At least one thing's for sure, I'll definetly make it there some day.
Now to the main reason why I began to write this post. When I've been watching these Japanese drama series, I can't find the joy in my own life, nothing ever happenes, I have many great friends, but we never spend any time with each other outside of the school. It's as if everybody's living in these small bubbles that no one's allowed to enter nor burst. I wonder how a "normal" teenagers life is like... How does it feel to fall in love with someone? Yes. Many questions and twice as many answers...
If you find a ansver to these questions, please tell me. Take care of yourself and remember that life will go on even if it sometimes feels like it wouldn't. So don't dwell in sadness nor dissapointment, instead begin the search for a new dream or a real reason to live for. You just have to believe in yourself and soon you'll see that everything will eventually work out.