Nothing and everything is right.

Now my life has became really confusing. Too strange.. "I don't know you. You don't know me." This is what a friend of mine told me... She's right. Even though we've spent almost six years together, we don't know anything about eacothers lifes nor real feelings... Why must life be this complicated? Why can't it be just like in the dramas with a happy ending for everyone? *sigh... Maybe I should stop watching these dramas, so that I won't get too much false hopes...
For the first time I'm about to write something I really think... so read carefully... Everything is like a game... Isn't it? A game of survival. When you smile, everyone gets happy and pumped up by your energy. When you're sad, everyone becomes angry and moody. Wich one do you think is better? Not so hard to guess... Right? If you play the game right, your life will pass by much more smoothly without any complications. If you do it wrong, you'll just end up with a lot of crap. That's what I think... Do you think so?.. What are your true feelings? Are you lonley? Can you trust anyone? Can you trust me...? This superficial friendship... Is it really okay? Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't... Do you know? I'm sorry for not being able to be the perfect friend that everyone longes for... But I'll still keep on trying... Until the end ^-^ Ya'll' just remember not to ever give up! Even if you want to, don't ever do it! -chiao.

Hayashi Shizuka - desu.

That's my "name". I've just finished watching Gokusen - a Japanese drama serie, far beyond the others I've ever seen. This is definitly the best one. Such an happy ending... Unlike my life, it's interesting, fun and filled with good looking guys... It'd be so nice if my life was like that too... Who knows, maybe someday it'll be? "Who knows..." It's getting tiring to never know what the future will look like. Everything is "If. Maybe? Who knows? Perhaps? Will I?"... It's hard... But ya' know, gotta' keep moving ^-^ Wonder how everyones lifes will turn out to be? Maybe someone will move to USA or Canada? Or... Maybe one of my friends will turn into a celebrity? Haa... It's really hard to try imagine what the future will bring you, isn't it? ^^ In the end I just hope that everybody will be happy. Well.. I guess I'll start the search for a new J-drama to watch. Good night.

Traveling forvards the future.

Good evening my dear friends. Today was a very unusual day... So different from the usual.
I had guests from Japan, Australia and Över kalix. This was the three persons who interviewd me. In the beginning I was so nervous, there's no words to describe it... And it didn't help a bit that mum' wasn't home when they arrived... So horribly nervous. But after a while I was able to relax and talk to them freely. AnnBritt was the womans name who actually interviewd me, Mai was the name of the Japanese girl (from Tokyo) and "Cat" (I think her real name was Cynthia or Synthia, dunno' how to spell it) she was from Australia. Gosh, Mai was SO cute ^-^ She actually talked pretty good English and she had this portable *English to Japanese* translator mini computer... It was cool :) We talked and I got much good information about Japan from both AnnBritt and Mai...
Mai gave me some incredible origami sculptures that she'd made. I also recieved a pair of Hashi (chopsticks) and a Japanese hundred yen coin. So cool *v* ... There was just one little change in the plans... If I get accepted to the programme, I'll move to Japan in the beginning of August... Year 2009 ^-^'' Let's hope for the best, shall we?
Ah... By the way... I got accepted for the "One week in Germany" exchange programme. I'll travel there the 19.th of April... Even though I should be happy... I just can't... It hurt too much... The look on Barbie-chans face when she saw that she wasn't on the list of those who got choosen...I can't get it off my mind #-# She wanted this so bad... She even tried to act as if nothing was wrong when she congratulated me... It hurt so much... Pushing herself to the limit just to make others think that everything's allright... I've became more and more concerned about my friends... Everyone doesn't feel as good as you may think... As a matter of fact, almost nobody does. This sucks. I'll travel to Germany with a group of people that I don't even know... Okay that's not bad... But the fact that the group included some very unpleasant people who I don't really like, was a bit bad... What the heck am I whinig for? I got what I wanted and that's it. I diserved it.. That's what mum' keeps telling me... But still it feels so bad.. I've been thinking a bit... Maybe I should try learn some German before April?... Well.. yeah.. I'll be heading off now. Matane.

The Continuation.

Hi. Now I'm going to explain the dream for you. The "Me snappin pictures"- I hate to be photographed, so when we found out that I need a picture for Friday it all became hectic, I had to take dussins of pictures of myself and to get a good one took me many~ hours. In April I'm going to stay at my cousins place for a few days (because of the An Café concert), her parents are a bit old fashioned and somehow I can't help but to get the expression that they don't like me... The reason is simply because I'm a too "flashy" and "un-normal" person (they think that I'm putting evil thoughts in their daughters head -.-'')... My cousins mother really believe in God and stuff like that and her father is pretty short-tempered... Yeah.. So then the carate level up. We're going to have one soon and I don't feel like I'm doing that well... I really need to improve. Hmm... Then the traveling. Right now that's all I can think about... Soon we'll find out who'll be the lucky ones to be chosen to the "One weeks exchange in Germany" and it's only two days to my interview. Besides of that I just recieved a form to fill from the Yfu exchange company (it was a piece of cake compared to the Explorius form) and soon I'll get an interview date from there too, only this one will not be at home, I'll have to travel to Luleå for it. I hope that Lisa-chan and Chan-chan will be able to accompany me... Maybe we could go shopping... It'd be incredibly fun and I propably wouldn't feel so nervous if I was with them... It sure is nice to have friends like that. Yeah...
Today is the last day of my "Candy vow"... Oh, how fast the time has passed... It's already been a year since I last ate candy (my birthday doesn't count)... such a long time... Yes.. I'll get the money too... Nice...
*Yawn. This morning was horrible. It was so hard to wake up... ehehee... I don't think that anyone notised... but I was acctually sleeping almost through the whole first lesson ^-^''
When I came home I cleaned up the place and baked a sponge cake with chocolate and vanilla flavour, I hope the guests will like it. Gackt, Vanilla... The song is soo good ^.^ Lisa-chan doesn't like it... She thinks it's too perverted... That's true... but still.. I like the melody and Gackt´s voice -^.^- I think I'll go and calculate some mathemathics... It's strange how it kind of makes me feel relaxed to do that.. I've just started on a new chapter with the name "Squares & The Square-root" (I think) It's so much fun! Well yeah...
It's nice to see that even more of my friends are getting blogs... It's much easier to find out what they're thinking about, especially the ones who doesn't like to talk about their thoughts nor feelings... That's about everything I had to come up with for this time. Wish me luck! ehehee... I'm getting tired to write that every time... Hei-hei~

No time.

Time for a little uppdate. I don't have much time so I'll make this short. The weekend's been all hectic, I've been cleaning like a maniac while trying to get hold of a nice looking picture of myself. Last night I even had a nightmare that contained these things: A carate level up, my cousins angry father and preaching mother (dunno' why), I trying to snap a good picture of myself and traveling. These things may not seem to make any sense, but they all do in one way or another. Maybe I'll tell you later. Now I've to go and eat something. I have practise tonight so I'll be staying at my brothers place. Oh yeah. I almost forgot... Wish me luck. So then, Bye.

Complicated ¤.¤

Earlier this day I recieved a envelope that contained application papers with many questions... I thought I was going to die when I read through the papers... There was questions like "What do you think you can contribute with to the host family, school and society" and "What are your expectations of the host school". These questions may not seem so hard to answer, but believe me, it's incredibly difficult. I mean, what can I contribute with? A lot of things that are hard to write down on a paper -.-'' I got suicidal while trying to answer them... Soo hard. But I managed. And here I am... Strange it feels as if I've forgotten something... Oh!.. Now I remember.
Today everyone in our class recieved an application letter to fill... The application if for a one weeks´ free placement in a host family in Germany (the school stands for the prises). Of course it's not a vacation, it's more of a cooperation experiment between four different countries, and we're the guinea pigs. Only ten people get the chance to go there, so I better start filling the form, with some overly intelligent stuff... I hope I get the chance to go there to... It'd be an amazing expirience.
Today mum' bought me a bed. It's really pretty and old... Antique I think. Dad' will bring it home tomorrow... Ahh.. how nice. No more sleeping on a 5.cm "thick" madrasse... Well this was all I had for this time... Now I've got to go and take some pictures of myself, I've to give them to AnnBritt (that's the ladys name who will come on Friday) so that she can send them to Japan if I happen to get selected for the programme. Wish me luck!.. From here on, I'll write this in the end of every post, (until Friday at least). Bye.

Mixed feelings.~-~

Yaaah... uaaaw... gaaah! Adrenaline kick. My whole body's shaking. I can't stand this. It's awsome! Earlier this evening I got a call from explorius, a exchange organisation I'd sent my application to. A woman asked me if she and a Japanese exchange student could come over and visit our place to take my interview, Friday 16:th 3.pm. This is so great... I can't pull my thoughts together... geee... soo comfusing... I'm happy but frightened.. The day my future will be determed... It really is coming... soon...

Back to school, back to life.

Today was the first day of school for this year. It's as if my life had been *played* on again. It felt incredibly comfortable to be back there. To have all those familiar faces around you and to hear everyones voices again, I can't describe the feeling of relief that these things brought me. I didn't have one single worried thought concerning my future on the whole time I was there. It's amazing that just being around those people provides you with souch an secured feeling ^-^ Besides, I don't have to worry at all anymore. As you can see in the post´s (before the last one) comments, my friend's got the whole future planned out for me. ^~^It sure feels good to have souch a nice group of friends... Even if we are totally different. As a matter of fact, I just talked about this with Lisa-chan today. It's pretty funny when I think of it, Chan-chan's like a total opposite to me, she loves horses and is very talkative, she's going to study at a nature-utilitarian upper secondary school (I'm not sure what the school type is called in English, so you have to be satisfied with this). Lisa-chan's incredibly gifted at aestethic stuff and she loves music... You could say that she's a very determined person, if she sets her mind to it she can do about anything. Then there's Lin-chan, she's a very quiet person at first, but when you learn to know her, there's no limit to the talk :) . And finally, Barbie-chan who is a horse lover (acctually owns two), she's also very tall and according to me has a "Barbie" mobile (that's the reason for the nickname). These are the four persons I share my joys and sorrows with...
Right now I'm arguing with my mom'. She thinks´that I should continue jig´ging with my father, even though I'm fet up with that kind of crap... She just can't seem to get the fact that I don't enjoy it anymore, I haven't done it in ages. Well, I don't really care. Now I think I'm going to go eating... That is if there's anything to eat... Sayounara.

Lost in the maze of thoughts.

I can't stand this anymore. No matter what I do, I can't stop thinking about how big the possibility that I won't be selected to the exchange programme is. Last year only seven persones got the chance to experience souch a wonder... Then there's this thing with the IB-programme, only the best people get in... What will I do if I'm not one of them? Because of these thoughts, I've been glooming around the whole day... It's like I'm starting to lose my hope... Yes I know, this is almost exactly the same things as I wrote in my last post, but I just can't get my mind off it...
Tonight after I finish with practise, I'll sleep over at my brothers place... It really is hard to imagine a life without him, now that he's decided on moving to the other side of Sweden... It's generally impossible for me to visualize how my life will be after I've moved away, without my present friends and family around... So sad... So sad... Well it's not like I won't keep in touch with them, it's just that we won't see eachother at regular bases anymore. So mournful...
Wonder how our lifes will turn out to be..?
How does the future look like... I hope it's bright...

Promise.

So... It's year 2009... Feels as if my life have just begun... What have I been doing these fifteen years?
The New Years Eve was incredibly fun. This was the first time ever that I had felt at ease with that many unknown people^-^
We sang, played games and had generally fun. When the clock struck 12, we toasted with Pommac (a soda drink that doesn't taste good). Before that we told our New Years Promises, I didn't make a serious one... At least I didn't tell about it to the others... I told them that I'd definitly make it into the IB-policy... But the promise I made for myself was *to work as hard as I can to secure my future and make my dreams come true.* Lame... I know, but at least it's a promise that I'll somewhat be able to keep.
Yesterday I sent my applications to Yfu and Explorius. Wonder how the outcome of this will look like...? If I don't get accepted to the exchange programme it'll be a great dissapointment. But life will eventually go on... Still, I hope for the best.
I've began to get confused. What will I do if I don't get into the IB policy? And how will I make through the dissapointment if I don't get accepted to the year in Japan? These two questions have been bothering me for quite a while now. I don't have any other plans or dreams for my future than them... I mean... What will I do? I want to become an English teacher, but it'll be too hard in a normal policy. I want to experience the daily life of a normal Japanese high schooler... Okay.. I'll never be able to experience it to the full leight... I have blonde hair, blue eyes and can't speak the language... but still... Will anything of this ever happen? Gah. I've got to pull myself together.
No regrets... That's my motto... I think. If you don't try you'll never find out...
In the future, maybe I can get a education that'll allow me to travel a lot, or I'll just move to Japan and start a fully new life without any obstacles. Maybe I could make a successful career there? Who knows. At least one thing's for sure, I'll definetly make it there some day.
Now to the main reason why I began to write this post. When I've been watching these Japanese drama series, I can't find the joy in my own life, nothing ever happenes, I have many great friends, but we never spend any time with each other outside of the school. It's as if everybody's living in these small bubbles that no one's allowed to enter nor burst. I wonder how a "normal" teenagers life is like... How does it feel to fall in love with someone? Yes. Many questions and twice as many answers...
If you find a ansver to these questions, please tell me. Take care of yourself and remember that life will go on even if it sometimes feels like it wouldn't. So don't dwell in sadness nor dissapointment, instead begin the search for a new dream or a real reason to live for. You just have to believe in yourself and soon you'll see that everything will eventually work out.